The Lender's Bold Move: Sign Up or We Start Calling Your Family and Friends Too!
The Lender expands outreach strategy to "anyone who has ever met you."
THE MORTGAGE SCOOP POOP Satire for the Broker Nation | The Broker Journey
In what industry insiders are calling “a masterclass in relationship building,” a wholesale lender, who is actually called “The Lender,” has announced a bold new broker acquisition strategy: simply never, ever stop calling. Ever.
“We believe in the power of persistence,” said a spokesperson for The Lender who called me fourteen times while I was writing this article. “Our data shows that somewhere between the 40th and 57th unanswered call, brokers really start to come around.”
The strategy, which some compliance officers are quietly calling “a gray area,” has reportedly been so effective at generating name recognition that mortgage brokers across the country can now identify a 949 area code faster than they can identify their own children in a school play.
One broker, who asked to remain anonymous because he was afraid The Lender would find out where he lives (which they probably already do), described the experience.
“I told them I wasn’t interested,” he said, staring blankly into the distance. “That was eighteen months ago. I’ve since changed my number, moved to a new state, and adopted a different dog. They called the dog.”
In a particularly innovative move, one sales representative reportedly offered a struggling broker a compelling value proposition: sign up with The Lender, and the calls from other reps at The Lender would stop. The broker is said to have laughed and then cried when he saw the 949 area code show up on his phone.
Sources confirm that when one broker finally told a rep directly to stop calling, the rep responded by hanging up, presumably to free up the line for the follow-up call.
When reached for comment, The Lender’s VP of Broker Phone Operations said the company remains committed to its core mission: “We put people first. Specifically, we put them first in our dialer queue, every morning, every afternoon, every evening, seven days a week.”
Critics of the strategy point out that if The Lender put even half the energy into their operations team that they put into their outbound calling campaign, they might actually close a loan on time. The Lender disputes this characterization, though their ops team was unavailable for comment because they were still working on a file from November.
The Lender’s new expanded outreach program, “We’ll Get To Someone Who Knows You Eventually,” is expected to launch in Q2, pending regulatory review and the hiring of twelve additional dialers.
The Lender could not be reached for additional comment, which, for the record, is a feeling they have never once allowed anyone else to experience.
Editor’s Note: Thank you for reading the very first article of this new satirical series. I hope everyone has fun and stops taking themselves so seriously.