Mega Lender Celebrates Incredible Cultural Momentum After Paying People Large Sums of Money to Work There
Top producers flock to The Mega Lender for reasons that will not be listed in the press release, social, or anywhere else for that matter.
THE MORTGAGE SCOOP POOP Satire for the Broker Nation | The Broker Journey
“The talent is just drawn to us,” says the company that just wrote a $500,000 check
A major retail mortgage lender, known here as The Mega Lender, announced this week that it is experiencing an unprecedented wave of top producer arrivals, which the company described as “proof of our incredible culture, our unmatched platform, and our deep commitment to replicate the NIL environment of college football.”
“We are thrilled to welcome these incredible professionals to our family,” said The Mega Lender’s Head of Talent Acquisition during a call with us. “When top producers choose us, it sends a message to the entire industry. You cannot put a price tag on relationships…I mean, you can. What I meant to say was…wait, that is my kids’ school calling, I will be right back.”
They ended the call without rescheduling.
The loan officers in question, several of whom accepted signing bonuses ranging from $250,000 to well over $1,000,000, took to social media within hours of signing to explain that their decision was driven entirely by alignment. Specifically, they had become aligned with The Mega Lender’s vision, aligned with their technology platform, aligned with their operations team, and, in several cases, aligned with a number that had more commas in it than their previous compensation package.
“I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what truly serves my clients,” wrote one top producer in a post that generated 847 likes and zero mentions of the check. “And I believe, after careful reflection, that this is where I’m meant to be.”
He had been somewhere else for eleven years.
The Mega Lender’s communications team, which monitors these announcements with the enthusiasm of a TikTok influencer, responded to each post with a carefully crafted comment: “Welcome home.” This is significant because the loan officer had never worked there before.
The Mega Lender has decided to run a full recruiting campaign featuring the new arrivals as evidence that the company is “where top producers want to be.” The campaign did not include a line-item breakdown of why they wanted to be there. Legal confirmed this was fine.
The loan officers, for their part, are fulfilling their contractual obligations with the same enthusiasm you’d expect from someone who has to stay for two to three years before the bonus can be clawed back.
“I’m so aligned…so aligned,” said one, staring at a countdown calendar.
At press time, a loan officer who had left The Mega Lender two years ago for a competitor, after receiving a signing bonus from that competitor, had just returned to The Mega Lender after receiving a new signing bonus from The Mega Lender. The company’s social media team posted “Welcome back and welcome home,” because apparently, home is wherever you left from last and are now being paid to return to.
The loan officer called it “coming full circle.”
His accountant called it “a very good year.”
The Mortgage Poop is satire. The signing bonuses are very, very real.